The stages of mourning: shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance/hope.
It isn’t a simple process where you move from one stage to another and eventually get to the end. It is a messy forward and backward progression that can stop and stall. But it is normal.
The one that strikes me most today is bargaining. I always thought this was people saying, “Dear god, if you take away my loved one’s cancer, I’ll never gamble again!” I suppose there are people out there who literally pose such bargains. For many of us, though, it is a litany of coulda/shoulda/woulda. If I got her to listen to me about eating fruits and vegetables and drinking water. If I had only encouraged her more to force her doctors to get to the bottom of her feeling unwell for YEARS. If only I had dropped everything and gone and cared for her myself. If only. You see how easily one can move back and forth between bargaining, second guessing, and guilt.
No one is perfect. No amount of beating yourself up will change what is.
Oh, and am I angry? Good golly yes. Just ask my husband and kids. My anger just kind of sits there under the surface, until someone pushes past the nice exterior. Sorry guys. Hopefully it will pass. And my angry core will sink deeper and come out less often. It is always easier to be angry than to be sad. For me, anyway.
A hollow ache. Yep, that’s there, too.
All in good time, I suppose. All in good time.
